Sunday, April 22, 2012

Not Quite Lost

I've been feeling kind of strange the last few days and only just realized why. Do you ever have moments where you feel off but cannot figure out what prompted it? Yesterday was decently acceptable in the scheme of things: got lots of sleep, went to class, studied, actually finished homework for my night class. But I felt weird all day. I realized in the evening that I was vaguely uncomfortable in the dress I was wearing, even though it's cute enough and then realized I had not worn it since the summer. Then, I realized the last time I had worn it, was to the funeral of someone I cared a lot about. And I miss her, and on some subconscious level that dress makes me think of her. I suppose it got a little better after I realized it, but it will always be bittersweet. So then today I was feeling kind of funky again and this afternoon I got a text from a friend of the family asking for my mom's phone number. I didn't think much of it and sent it to him. Then, later, my mom called and asked for his wife's cell phone number (it has apparently been a rather epic game of phone tag). She said it was what would have been TC's 11th birthday. April 19th. I know the day, I've heard it before, but never needed to remember it. It's so strange that I can care so much for a person I never met, a person that only coexisted on this earth with me for 18 months before I was old enough to know what death is. And despite all of that, it makes me exceptionally sad. perhaps because I see those who were so much closer to him hurt, but perhaps just because I know I probably should. Either way it was a weird few days, with some weird signs, and weird feelings. 

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