Sunday, July 15, 2012

Hakuna Matata

You can run from your past or you can learn from it. I've recently been mentally revisiting some of my past decisions and interrogating how I now feel about the choices I made. Some things I've known since the moment they happened, for example, I've always known that quitting dance was the stupidest thing I ever did. Earlier this year I got a message from a friend apologizing for lots of things she had done years before and I found it didn't make me feel any better about the solidity of our friendship (I also learned that radical honesty is not the best policy). Her apology seemed like it was more to make her feel better than to help me. So, now, I am faced with a compelling desire to apologize to someone, but I know that, even though I might feel better having done it, for them, it will just open old wounds. And then I am left with a desire to at least be supportive and present even if I can't apologize, but I think even that might be too much (or at least this person knows me well enough to figure out where it's coing from). So, you have to put your past behind you. I have to abandon some good memories (and bad memories, but you have to take the bad with the good) to let  other people keep living. Mostly, I'm afraid I'll forget. For as hard as it was, I learned more about myself than I have before or since, and I miss that, even though I don't miss the situation. It's our problem-free philosophy?

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