Friday, January 27, 2012

The Art That Has No Name

I'm far too young to be writing a memoir, but I don't know what else to call this thing that I write. No one has ever read it, and perhaps no one ever will. But it is a record of my life and the lives of those close to me in their sheerest and most delicate forms. My heart is at its most vulnerable in that work and anyone who read it would know everything I know about myself and my world. It includes good stories and bad ones and talks of moments I am proud of as well as those I am ashamed of. Anyway, I have a strong inclination to share it with someone, but it is a lot of myself to give to someone. I also feel as though I do not want to share it until it is finished, but just as I will never be done growing, neither will my story. I think that perhaps it is better to write when you think no one is reading. It makes you a more honest author. That's why I initially really enjoyed blogging. It was a place to lay myself on the line without the fear that anyone would know me. I still maintain some of that control. It is anonymous unless I tell you about it. I feel compelled, however, to recognize how close I am to the people who see these words. I think I'll defend that anecdotally so here:
I was reading the blog of a young woman who at one point had worked for a depression hotline and she relayed the story of a boy who had called that she ended up talking to for several hours and apparently helping quite a bit. Before he hung up he asked if they could meet, obviously her position precluded that from happening, but she said how confusing it was that she could be so deeply intimate with a person she would never know. She knew him in a way no one else probably ever would.
I feel that. I share things I would never dream of saying out loud on here, and, yes, sometimes I really wish certain people would read certain posts, but in general I try endlessly to be true to my feelings and thoughts and write as if no one is reading. It is a raw and genuine experience that we are having together, you, reader and I, writer. I don't mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable, and I realize I have spoken directly to readers before, but I want every one who comes across this to know what a special thing they are helping me to do, and I want every one to find that thing which allows them to express themselves in a most basic and genuine way. It is a beautiful thing. Dance like nobody's watching. Always.

No comments:

Post a Comment