Tuesday, October 25, 2011


So I’m sort of debating how closely the journalistic ethics of writing for a college magazine should mirror actual journalistic ethics. I’m writing a story and I had a few sources for some information that it mildly embarrassing for some members of our school community. I anted to ask someone a little closer to the issue so I did and he verified, but I knew he probably wouldn’t like that I was including it in the article. Now, I didn’t quite him or even add any of the extra details he gave me so in my mind this guy is a verification. I already had a source. But then another friend of mine (coincidently the original source) said “You didn’t tell him?!?!” I don’t really see a problem with this; I think it is an issue people ought to know about and it doesn’t bother me that I wanted to make sure I was getting it straight before I published it. However, I know that, had I told him my intention and he had gotten upset that the incident would be published, I would have felt too bad about it to include it in the article. Dilemmas.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My Room

I totally expected to miss my room and my things, but oddly I don't. I've only had a few moments when I wished I had something an that was usually to make my life easier rather than for a sentimental value. Then, the other day, I started looking through my old pictures and found photos I have of my room and at first I felt sad, but then I realized I didn't need to be because I can obviously look at it even here. Now, maybe everyone else doesn't creepily document their life like I do, but that just sucks for them I guess. I get to live here, and have my life there with me all the time. That's less metaphysical than it sounds, I promise.

Part of a Whole

We are all parts of a whole, together, fall on us
Ready for duty, fall on us
The drama queen
Long flowing hair like royalty
Putting on a show that sends a smile
Bouncy and booming
A glorious distraction from a gloomy day
We are all parts of a whole, fall on us
Exciting and vibrant, fall on us
The goof ball
Upside down on a bedroom floor with eyeballs rolling back
Silly little girl
Innocent and so naive
Always an opportunity for a laugh
We are all parts of a whole, fall on us
Ridiculous and raving, fall on us
The eloquence of fun
Ready for playing around but a quiet, open listener
A large cushioned pillow to cry on or poke as need dictates
Screaming and silent
A girl’s best friend
We are all parts of a whole, fall on us
Strong and faithful, fall on us
The baby
Daddy’s cute, button-nosed sweetheart
Soft and caring
A trickling stream rather than a raging river, yet still flowing steadily
A perky face to lift up spirits
We are all parts of a whole, fall on us
Fresh and blooming, fall on us
The small
Quiet and meek
Addicted to the intense, sweet flavor of life
Self-judging, clinging, self-absorbed
A pick-me-up by sheer comparison
We are all parts of a whole, fall on us
Lonely and sobbing, fall on us
The shy, compassionate one
Patient, aware, sympathetic, and loving
A nurturing mother to all her tiny babies
Concerned fibers coursing through the veins near a prematurely bleeding heart
A helping hand
We are all parts of a whole, fall on us
Understanding and passionate, fall on us
The rebellious conservative
Crazy and outgoing yet still grasping “values”
Preaching purity, but only accomplishing perjury
Enjoying life in secret shadows of unknown hiding places
Ready to drag others along on a risky ride
We are all parts of a whole, fall on us
Radical and reckless, fall on us
The dreamer
Reading and writing and learning and exploring
Desperate to eradicate minute injustices
Primed to take on massive, menacing armies just to maintain sanity
Inspiring belief in a cause
We are all parts of a whole, fall on us
Determined and selfless, fall on us
We represent not many but one
Containing all aspects of well-rounded humanity
On each other we will always fall
And together we remain as the ashes settle
The petals of a gorgeous, budding rose
Preparing for the turmoil and glory life will, in turn, bring us
Separately and as a cohesive being
My life, my love, my heroines
We stand, fight, and die as one army
One superpower the world will have to reckon with
Mine to fall on as I will stand my watch
Ready for the bursting flares sent by a wounded sister in the darkness
We are all parts of a whole, we respond as one to the battle cry of . . . ourself


They tell me everything happens for a reason 
and I don't know if that's True. 
but I do know that everything that happens 
profoundly affects Us, 
that the people who touch our lives 
that have such a Magical gift 
are usually the people who are in that life most briefly 
a single chance to change the course of history 
to rewrite a story--for better or worse 
and we owe it to those People who 
Form our beings at the core, 
who guide us, 
or make us Think 

we Owe them our lives 

and thus we are all charged: 
to touch some Small life, 
in some Small way. 
a whisper in the Darkness 
or a shout through turmoil. 
that maybe, just Maybe 
they can know 
what we have had the Fortune to know 
and we see that it Is 
for a Reason 
very far off and indefinite 
and yet so close and defined 
that maybe, just Maybe 

we can come to Know ourselves 


So I've realized that the difference between college and high school is not necessarily the difficulty level, but rather, it is about the sustainment of the intensity level of work. In high school, you had a big project and then not so much for a week or two or three, whereas, here, they keep coming and coming and coming. Unfortunately, it took me four weeks to nice this. The first few weeks I operated under the same principle, so once I finished something I didn't feel super inspired to do anything else challenging for about a day. Wrong. The second most important realization was articulated to me by Meredith, our fabulous AUUU leader, but is only beginning to sink in. She said at some point you have to accept that everything isn't getting done. Not gonna lie, I'm just not there yet. This potentially stems largely from a slightly OCD need stay organized and on time and together, but I just can't "let go" of doing all my work. Don't get me wrong, I get behind, but I feel perpetually compelled to catch up; this may or may not help me in the long run.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Fall

I suppose this happens remarkably frequently, whether I like it or not, but I am mesmerized, shockes, compelled, and horrified every time someone I have idolized has a, so-called, fall from grace. The first time I really noticed it was when one of my best friends first told me he had had sex (I think he was sixteen at the time), and then proceeded to tell me how much sex he had: a lot. Quite honestly, I don't really care how much sex anyone is having as long as they feel good about what they're doing and the people that they are engaging with feel mutually, and to his credit, this particular friend was having sex for perfectly fine reasons with a perfectly willing accomplice. And even knowing all that, it still bothered me. I'd spent so much of my life looking up to him, it was hard to imagine a world where he was making decisions I didn't agree with and wouldn't follow. Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with my friend himself, it was more that the circumstance appalled me. It was right up there with realizing mommy can't always fix everything (although I've come full circle on that and, as I'm about to turn eighteen, I'm confident mommy can come pretty damn close to fixing everything). Anyway, I recently encountered another fall from grace. My entire youth group has been madly in love with one of our advisors since before I can remember. He's the coolest guy ever with an insana amount of enthusiasm and an even insaner commitment to us. A few month ago he went into the hospital for complications related to his diabetes. More recently I have come to find out that, these "complications" have a lot more to do with alcohol abuse and depression than they do diabestes. And so another falls like Lucifer.


I've oddly never really slept much at sleepovers. I mean I guess we ought to call it something other than a sleepover now; I'm crashing here or staying over there. Either way, I'm visiting a friend at college and he boyfriend has a futon in his room so we all just stayed in there rather than split up. Coincidently, everyone else got wasted and is dead asleep. I, however, who don't sleep at sleepovers, am sitting up in this guys room. One is grunting, one snoring, one sleep talking, one showering, and one out for a run so even with everyone else sleeping on and off it's been an interesting night. But bottom line, I'm watching the sunrise through his window and it's amazingly surreal. Everything is so peaceful and I'm mysteriously not tired, although I'll probably need a good solid nap today if we are going out tonight. Anyway, thought I'd share my cute little moment with the sunrise.

More Juxtaposition

I've come to the conclusion that I either move to fast or too slow; I either get interested in a guy after knowing them for a few hours or I'm friends with them for a few years before they get really appealing. Currently experiencing both at the same time. Met a guy last night who is super cool and, while everyone else was sleeping, we had a really nice chat about cats and Dexter and life. Oddly, he violates one of my few ABSOLUTE rules of dating; he's potentially shorter than me, we may just be the same height. I think I probably would have kissed him if I hadn't know that he'd never kissed a girl before. I really apologize to anyone who has to deal with my baggage in a first relationship. But anyway, semi-simultaneously, I'm also falling for my ex again (not that this is a particularly rare occurrence). However, this time has been a little different, with me refusing to just fall back into the way things are whenever we're both single, which is all kinds of up in each others' business. Anyway, the guy I just met I'll probably barely ever see again, except he did say that "the next time we hang out..." we should *insert activity I don't honestly remember*. Yeah, good times. I'm still just naive enough to think this time might be different.